Drudge-inspired future embarrassment.

Painstakingly, the last few months, I have came to this screen several times in anticipation of something clever to write about or at least to sieve my qualms, so as to refrain from punching in C T $ 7 on my predicomp and Dresdening my family and friends. (I've never quite understood why the movie "Predator" was implanted with the samurainian ethics of seppuku or why an alien would travel millions of light-years to earth to shoot fish in a barrel in the middle of the jungles of Guetamala. But I guess my logic never stopped me from smashing a box turtle with an over-sized rock or overturning the Monopoly board when my constituents bought St. James Place and Tennesee Ave.)
I once wrote, "Its seems as though my understanding marauds, not the conscious mind, but a plain of regression." As time moves ahead it seems that this theme resonates in my mind. I've always fumble-bumbled around analyzing what I could have done to change situations: I would have gone to college if I didn't like punk rock, I wouldn't have needed college if I had some guts, I wouldn't need a woman if I had a dog to keep me warm, my dog keeps shitting all over the goddamn floor. I am misunderstanding and I am extremely distrustful of myself. I can have nothing premium. I will pick at it, examine it and bend it untill it breaks or hates me. College would have been fun if I knew what I wanted to be, and if I was realistic about what I could be. Punk rock would have been ideal when I was young and still pissed off and I would have started to read Rollins then. I could never live without a woman, but I could live without my scrutiny, and it's never ending ability to muddle any number of common expieriences with that woman. I've never wanted to be more normal in my life. I want to domesticate myself and nature-willing, marry a like-minded woman.
I could spend hours telling people what I want out of life, more often that not though I am just trying to impress them with my diahrea of ambitions. If I understand that I have nothing coming for me and no predestined plan or hope, only then can I accomplish anything that I want for this life. Nietzsche once said, "Hope in the future is amoung the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man." I once was abhorred at the thought of throwing my lantern on the ground, but now I realize how much freedom there is in it. Spiteful comments aside, respectfully disagreed, no afterlife, no meaning except what we make.